


Lose your faith in me

by Builder



Series: Missing Moments [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Dark, Gen, Implied Relationships, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Post CA:CW, Pre/during Infinity War, Steve falls apart, fairly spoiler-free
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 06:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14563431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Builder/pseuds/Builder
Summary: We know Bucky was in Wakanda.  What was Steve doing?Steve was falling apart.





	Lose your faith in me

**Author's Note:**

> Short. Boring. Artistic.
> 
> Dark AF. 
> 
> (Laur in a nutshell)
> 
> Find me on Tumblr @builder051

He can’t get into bed.  Steve runs himself ragged in the gym.  He doesn’t shave anymore.  He barely showers.  He lives on protein bars and corner store coffee.  He cuts himself off at 10pm, locks the doors, and goes to his room.  

It’s just a routine.  Until he can’t remember the last time he spent the night doing something other than pacing.  Then it becomes a problem.

On the outside, he’s ok.  He doesn’t need to sleep as much as other people, so a few wakeful nights are no big deal.  The bags under his eyes aren’t so noticeable.  He keeps the apartment clean.  He texts Nat back when she tries to get in touch.  

But he’s fraying at the edges.  Steve sits beside the front door and ties his shoes.  He doesn’t know where he’s going to go or what he’s going to do, but he’s exhausted his options.  It’s almost two in the morning.  If only he could exhaust his body too.

He’s already been for a run, so Steve grabs his keys and heads out to his car.  He drums his fingers on the wheel as he waits for the gate to rattle open and release him from the parking lot.  As soon as he’s clear, he floors it, rocketing up past the speed limit before he stops to think.  Or care.  

If he gets pulled over, he could be arrested.  Extradited.  Made to face a judge and jury for crimes against his country.  It doesn’t seem like such a big deal now; two years have passed, and a lot is different.  Steve’s still willing to go to jail for Bucky.  Maybe a little more so, now that he knows Bucky’s out of cryo and still hasn’t called him.

He tries not to dwell on it.  Steve’s tires squeal as he runs a yellow light and turns onto the highway.  His whole life, all Steve’s wanted is to be like everybody else.  He’d hoped to find the answer in Erksine’s serum, but he’d ended up too far at the other end of the spectrum.  And still gay.  Then he’d lost Bucky, tried to kill himself, and the rest should’ve been history.  

Now that he’s found Bucky again, things are supposed to be better.  They could be living together.  Hell, they could get married.  But Bucky’s off the grid somewhere in Africa, and he’s off the grid somewhere in Europe, and the silence between them stretches out about as long as the empty highway.  

Maybe Steve is like everyone else now after all.  He has relationship drama.

He shakes his head and zips between two lanes.  The speedometer reads in kilometers, so he isn’t exactly sure how fast he’s going.  He should just sit down and learn the math; he’s been in living here long enough.  But he still resists.  It’s not his car.  Not his country.  At a moment’s notice, he could go back where he belongs.  

Steve’s phone vibrates in the cupholder.  He glances down at it, his heart thudding as he squints at the message.  Could it be, finally, tonight, after all this time waiting…?

The sound of the passenger mirror scraping against the concrete barrier startles him back to reality.  Steve jumps, turns the wheel and overcorrects, and finally slams on the breaks.  He does a 360 and then some, and ends up with the nose of his car butted up against the barrier on the other side of the road.

“Oh.  Fuck,”  Steve mutters.  His heart throbs in his chest, and adrenaline makes his palms sweat.  It’s not that bad of an accident.  The airbags didn’t even deploy.  He could just get his breath back and drive away.  He should just drive away.  He doesn’t need to hang around and wait for some well-meaning driver to see him and call the cops.

He sighs and digs his fingertips into his eye sockets.  He’s fine.  He’s going to be fine.  

Steve’s phone vibrates again, and he snatches it up.  

The message is from Nat.  _WTF did you just do?_

Of course she has him on some kind of watch.  She’s probably rigged his car with a GPS.

He scrolls up and sees that the first message was from her too.  Hey.  How’s your night?

Steve leans back in his seat.  “Shit…”  He forces all his breath out between his teeth.  

He’s a disaster.  A fucking mess.  It’s about time he acknowledged it.  The opportunity’s right her at his fingertips.

_I’m fine_ , he taps out.  

Steve drags his forehead across his clammy brow and starts the car.  He drives the wrong way until he gets to an exit, then finds his way to a side street to take him back to his apartment.  He needs to be at home where he’s not a danger to anyone.  Only himself.

Steve’s hands are shaking when he unlocks the door to the apartment.  He toes his shoes off and beelines for the bedroom.  He wants to lie down.  To curl up.  Maybe to cry.  But he just stands in the doorway and stares at the bed, wondering if he’ll ever be ready.  All he knows is that he’s not yet ready to forget


End file.
